Archibald’s Travel Log: Dry Tortugas — A Landlocked Tortoise Reviews the Sea

I’ll begin with this: if you are a gopher tortoise who has spent his entire life inland, the Dry Tortugas are… a bit much. In the best possible way.

Getting There
Not ideal for those of us without flippers or wings. I personally traveled by boat (long story involving a very kind human and a crate I did not approve of). The journey was wobbly, loud, and smelled faintly of fish—but once I stopped trying to argue with the ocean, I found it oddly soothing. Would I recommend it? Yes—with the caveat that you should secure a comfortable corner and prepare to rethink your relationship with “ground.”

First Impressions
The water is not just blue—it’s every shade of blue at once. It stretches farther than a tortoise can reasonably comprehend. The islands themselves are small, bright, and ringed with soft sand that feels quite nice underfoot, though it lacks the reassuring firmness of proper burrowing soil. I tried digging. It was… discouraging.

Accommodations
No burrows. I repeat: no burrows. This is a significant drawback for my kind. However, there are shaded areas, bits of vegetation, and the impressive Fort Jefferson, which provides excellent nooks for resting and observing. If you are adaptable (or simply too amazed to complain), you’ll manage.

Local Wildlife
The birds are everywhere—graceful, loud, and entirely unconcerned with personal space. I met a heron who talked incessantly about “migration goals.” Exhausting, but informative.

The sea turtles were the highlight. Imagine being a tortoise, but able to float. They glide through the water as if gravity is optional. I watched them for quite some time, both impressed and slightly offended.

Activities
• Walking along the shoreline (excellent, though occasionally interrupted by waves sneaking up on you)
• Observing fish (they do not stay still, which feels inefficient)
• Reflecting on life while staring at the horizon (highly recommended)
• Attempting to understand hermit crabs (results inconclusive)

Food
Limited, unless you are fond of whatever grows sparsely in sandy soil. I suggest arriving well-fed or traveling with provisions. The hermit crab I met insisted I try “expanding my palate.” I declined.

Overall Experience
Despite the lack of proper digging conditions, the Dry Tortugas offer something rare: perspective. For a creature used to a defined patch of land, seeing the endless ocean changes you. It’s humbling. Also slightly unsettling. But mostly wonderful.

Final Rating
4 out of 5 shells
(Points deducted for inadequate burrow infrastructure and excessive moisture.)

Would I return?
Yes—though next time, I’d like a less wobbly way to get there.

—Archibald 🐢